It's 5:00 somewhere...'s Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
It's 5:00 somewhere...

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[October 16th, 10:10pm]


Ok y'all..i'm changing journals. its friends only, but i like you all! Anything with "fiction" in the subject is a story/novel i'm working on, you can comment on it all you want. Can someone invite the new journal to fauxlywood? yay!
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snatches [May 3rd, 3:05pm]
bold the ones you like
underline favorite
strike the ones you hate

holy moly )
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pretend i'm not stupid [March 19th, 11:03pm]
now if one would want to install said background to new UN...how would one do that
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[March 19th, 6:03pm]
I need a place to find backgrounds for this place...for my new journal...but i have no idea where to find any..

help?
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[March 13th, 4:03pm]
ok...so I think i'm gonna change my ooc journal...how would I make a friends button so it would be easier for everyone..

..not that I have millions of friends...
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[March 10th, 4:03pm]
So despite this UN being my longtime home over at GJ before i moved to gotta_be_green...it still doesn't feel like home here. I dont know what I would move to, if anyone has any ideas for the love of god pass them on.
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[February 6th, 8:02am]
In my half sleep this morning before I had to get up...I totally kept dreaming about my one tooth falling out and it terrified me cause I thought it was real.

that and when I did wake up all i could hear was the rain against my window which is NOT condusive to getting up.

*sigh*
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[January 28th, 12:01pm]
Well.

With the help of some anti-anxiety medication...I'm at my second day of my internship and things are going much better than they did on wednesday. I was a little shaky this morning but I took the pill right away and it really calmed me down. I don't necessarily like being dependant on a drug, but in order to get through these first transitional days I desperatly need it. I woke up every day after the attack feeling liek crap. I was shaky and wanted to cry but I didnt take a pill cause I knew once I got to work I'd be fine. So. here we are...

so far so good... lunch is in a half hour and then the home stretch of 3 hours and i'm done.

therapist tomorrow!!!!!!
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[January 25th, 9:01am]
Ok. So.

Wednesday I started my Internship. Good, right?

Apparently not.

I had a panic attack. I mean I had a PANIC. ATTACK.

I got there, already a little nervous, I mean, come on it was the first day, and they throw a freaking assignment at me, like...interview a lady and her kid and write an article. Now, I've never done either before so it kinda threw me for a loop. And it was just overwhelming. So I could feel the heaviness in my chest start and then it got really hot behind my eyes and I'm like, shit! I'm gonna cry, must control this. And I couldn't. I had to run to the bathroom every five minutes and try to control myself. Somehow I made it to my lunch break.

Which was when all hell broke loose.

I drove to Panera to get lunch, and instead I parked in the parking lot and sobbed. I tried calling my mom. No answer. I called for her at the main office, but they wouldnt page for her cause they were testing. Jerks. So then I called my therapist. Answering machine. Then I did something I always thought i'd never have to do. After calling my mom a couple of more times, I called back my therapist office and pressed 1. the, this is an emergency line. I left an inchoerent, sobbing message for the on call clinician. Then I called my therapist and left HER acrying message. Tried calling mom again, thinking she'll come back to her room sometime, she has too! The on call called me back and I talked to her, then I called my mom again and the teacher next door finally answered. I know him so he was like Amanda? Is everything ok? And i was like I just need to talk to my mom. So he found her and I SOBBED. I couldnt breathe. I couldnt control myself. I was scared and alone. She tried to calm me down but it just wasn't working. While on the phone with her, my therapist called. Talking to her I was actually able to calm down. Before I talked to anyone I wasn't going back that afternoon. I couldnt I was a mess. But she talked me through it, we made an appointment for 530, right when I got out and I was calm enough to go back.

But now I'm a little worried because when I'm alone and have nothing to do really, I'm shaky and theres a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I went to my doctor yesterday, completely unrelated, and got another prescription for my anti anxiety meds, but i dontg have them yet. but its really scary that I'm feeling like this again after being so good for so long, and one day seems to have set me back big time. I dont know whether its better to talk about it or just pretend I dont feel anything. Ugh. I hate this feeling!!!!!!!!
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[January 22nd, 4:01pm]
So I moved into my new townhouse yesterday. Boy was that an ordeal. I got up kinda normal time. Even if I had wanted to sleep some more there was no way I was going back to sleep once I realized I was awake. The brain just wouldn't let me. It started thinking of all the problems that I could potentially have. It sucked. So then I have some breakfast and mom decides we gotta head to Wal-Mart to get a dvd player to hook up to the tv that I was bringing to the house. Then while we were there we decided to pick up a whole bunch of other stuff which I'm sure I needed, cause you can't go in to a new situation empty handed. But then we stopped to see my grandparetns which was of course nice, and then I had to take a quick shower and had lunch and watched The Young and the Restless with mom. Then we had to pack up the car. That was good, i guess cause it kept my mind off of the fact that i was leaving in a little while. I live really close to my college but its really hard for me to leave, every single time. I feel like that makes me a baby. So we get to the house and I had to get my key and then we started to move in. Which is always weird. Especially when everything is already set up and stuff. So like, I dont have as much room in the room as I'd like, but what can I do? I'm the one coming into the situation, you know? But its nice. the girls are nice and we're getting along which is always a good sign. Last night one of their friends came over and we all just hung out in the other girl's room and it was nice. Then someone was like, I think October road is on and I got this really happy feeling cause I like October Road, so its something I can have in common with them.

Went to bed pretty early, which was nice cause I was so tired from moving, but of course I couldnt fall asleep. It was a combinatino of things. the sheets on my bed aren't as soft as the sheets at home. there were new noises. The bed is clearly not as big as I'm used to at home or even last semester. And then the worries creeped back in my head. Maybe they dont really like me. Classes will be to hard. I wont fit in here. I'mgoing to fail at my internship. It was just a mess. A complete mess. I know it took me like a half hour or more to get to sleep. And then I woke up a couple of times in the night, definatly at like 2:15 or so. Awesome. I was awake at 7 and then couldnt get back to sleep, even though I didn't have class til 8. I know its cause i'm not usedto having someone else in the room with me, so I just gotta go through that adjustment period that I normally don't have to go through mid semester.

but classes were good today. I love my American Theater class...my Lit. Crit. Class is going to be really interesting, and my night class for tonight was cancelled so that was amazing.

Now all I have to worry about is starting my internship tomorrow. I'm so nervous I could die. And I shouldn't be.

Oh yeah..my friend Bessie is back from studying abroad in London last semester. It is AMAZING to have her home. I didn't realize how much I missed her til she, mark and I got something to eat after class today. Being with the three of us was kind of like...being whole again. Kinda makes up for the fact that all my other friends graduated last year.
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[January 20th, 11:01pm]
So I'm currently denying myself going to bed because I go back to school tomorrow. I want to go to bed cause it might be the last night I get to go to sleep whenever I want. But I want to stay up cause it might be the last night I can go to sleep whenever I want to. It's screwy I know. But I'm all worried cause I go back to three new roommates tomorrow and I don't tolerate change very well. I'm getting what I want: I'm back on campus, but at the same time I'm freaked out of my mind because I'm afraid they wont like me or that it'll be a worse living situation that what I had last semester. And if that's the case I'll be spending a hell of a lot of time at home. Which I don't necessarily want to do. But I know I have a handicap and thats the fact that nothing will be like it was last year in 165. that was pure perfection and I wish it had never ended. I lived in a house with five of my closest friends. Downside was they were all seniors so they graduated and left me behind. And i've been struggling with that ever since. I don't want to go into tomorrow with a defeatest attitude cause that will get me into trouble before I've even gotten there. So here's hoping tomorrow and each resulting day turn out a hell of a lot better than I anticipate in my mind, which is a horrible HORRIBLE enemy to me.
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[January 17th, 12:01am]
The closer it gets to the day when I have to go back to school...the more freaked out I get. I hate that I do this like...every time I have to go back. I get so comfortable at home that I jsut dread the thought of having to be back at school. I know thats kinda sorta normal, but I also know that its kinda sorta not. Like...especially this semester I gotta deal with a whole new houseful of people. Ok, 3 girls, but still. I'm afraid they won't like me or something. I'm shy, despite the whole theater thing. LIke, yeah I can perform but I dont know how to be myself. Weird, but its true.

Also, my internship starts on wednesday and I'm freaking about that too! Like, seriously if I don't get a good nights sleep from now until i'm settled at school, I woudnt be surprised. Thank you whoever invented tylenol PM. I know i Know...the tylenol part, not so good since I dont really have any pain...but the PM? Super. I love being able to go to sleep and NOT feel completely anxious and like i'm going to lose my mind.

See also. I'm reading A Thousand Splendid Suns FINALLY. Oh. My. God. It's like one heartbreak after another and I love it. I loved The Kite Runner and now I'mloving this too. Also, I hate that in school I don't ahve time to read books that aren't class related. Maybe that'll be different this sememster.

Oh. movies with mom on Friday. Should we see The Kite Runner or Atonement?
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[January 15th, 8:01pm]
I wanted to die at work today.

So Sunday morning I get a call at like 9:00

"Amanda, it's Jill. We had a scheduling problem and I was wondering if you wanted some hours this morning." groggy me mumbles out a yes. She's like, get here, the sooner the better.

So I make it to work in record time. I get there and I'm like, Info and back up and they really screwed up. Then I'm shelving a cart and Jill says to me, they just got a Non Returnable sale pull list. This list is literally like 20-25 pages long, alpahbetical by section, authors are all over the place and they're pretty much single copies of everything. So I worked on that bitch for four hours, forgoing a break, and left at 4 to go home to watch the Giants/Cowboys football game, (Sorry guys, I was happy the Giants won). I get to come in again on monday, around 11 til like 5 and for those six hours straight, again I dont take a break, all I did was pull shit. I know that doesn't seem like its hard, but its frustrating as all hell because the shit is everywhere, including piled under a desk in the back room from when it was tried to return in the first place. I seriously saw like five books i'd been looking for. So I left work yesterday with a splitting headache from not eating and from the pull. I go back to work today around 12 until 4 to do the same shit. Today I started pulling plush toys. Oh let me tell you how much fun that is. NOT.

But here's the kicker. Around 3:30, I get a page that Jill wants to see the list. I bring it to her and she says that Gary, our GM, doesnt believe the list exists. So she brings it to him, and I kinda follow since, hi, I should be praised for this shit, and he goes ballistic. he starts going off about how he doesnt think theres an actual sale and that we're wasting time, at which point I have to walk away because I've just spent 3 days on this list and its like, dont you fucking tell me that i've wasted my time you asshole. Finally, when I really just wanted to leave, another supervisor was like, ok you can stop pulling stuff now, and I was like THANK GOD and I got my shit and left before anyone (namely Jill) could notice that I was leaving. She seemed to think that I was staying past four when she told me the day before that she could only give me four hours. I think not. It was just really frustrating and this one girl made it all the more frustrating. I like her a lot but she's got a lot of nerve.

So, I've got this huge list, and she's like omg I love RPL (required pull lists) i'm like this is NOT RPL its a step beyond that and around the corner to hell. yes, its still the same, yay I get to stare at books and pull them, but its more frustrating because there is no quantity and no rhyme or reason to the shit on the list. Also, sunday, she's like "omg I can't believe Nora had the balls to call out today! People had hours cut and she pulls this shit!" i was liek hold on there chief. They (meaning the store) screwed up. They scheduled Nora even though SHE'S BACK AT SCHOOL. So don't talk shit about people unless you really know whats going on. Also, yesterday she was apparently looking for a book in kids. So she pages about the African American section in kids and I page back (cause I know that place like the back of my hand) there is no african american section. SHe was like, well it says there is in the computer, reallllly snotty. Jill, who i was with, her eyes got as big as saucers. I was like, well theres not, so you can look in history on the Non fiction wall. There is a designation for AA in kids, but we dont have ti cause no one keeps kids in any order, except me and Stephanie. She also had the audacity to be like, well come help me. I stayed where I was cause I was doing shit. 15 minutes later I'm back on the floor and she's still trying to find it. I ask her what she's looking for and she's like "oh the book of nothing" I'm like, seriously? Just tell me what you're looking for. So I kinda look over her shoulder to the computer and see it and i'm like, here I'll find it. i go to kids, go to the Non fiction wall, sit down and immeadiately put my hand on the book and hand it to the customer. She was like omg how did you do that, you couldn't have helped me 15 minutes ago. I just walked away saying something like, I know kids and I was busy. Seriously, I like her, but she hasn't been there nearly long enough to pull shit like that. A few days ago she was like, Nikki and Charlene don't have hours either, how come you're getting them, that doesnt seem fair. I'm like, well lets see. I've been here longer, so I deserve them and I do something about not having them. Yeah, we got cut like 400 hours from christmas, but that doesn't mean i'm just gonna accept not having hours.

Seriously, sometims that store is so frustrating. I bend over backwards for them sometimes and all I get is fucked in the ass.

Sorry this is so long and pointless...I just needed to vent all my work shit out.
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[January 14th, 10:01pm]
So I really don't know whats going on with my life right now. It just kinda sucks. I mean, yeah I was bad and didn't take my meds for a while, but I felt GOOD. I thought, hey, maybe I can do this without a crutch. Well, turns out I was wrong. Well...not wrong but not right either. I've been slipping recently. I mean like, really slipping. I can't sleep, I can't think straight and I don't know what to do about it. I've been slipping away from friends and I dont even care about it. It's weird. I just don't feel like doing anything, and then I feel bad about not doing anything. I know i'm starting to freak out cause I'mgoing back to school next week and moving in with three new girls. And i'm freaked cause its my last semester and I dont know what i'm going to do once I graduate. I dont know what to do and its...awful.
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[January 13th, 1:01am]
I'm really pissed at GJ. Not only has it been a bitch, but now with the accounts not staying logged in...I dont think I can retrieve any of my entries from my old UN. Which sucks ass. Because it just does. I guess its my own fault for not believing that something would happen to it...but this is just beyond the beyond. *sigh*
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[July 29th, 6:07pm]
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[July 28th, 8:07pm]
stolen from [info]songbird151


A - Age: 19

B - Band you're listening to right now: Blessed Union of Souls

C - Career in future: Actress

D - Dessert of choice: Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting

E - Easiest person to talk to: My friends Amanda, Michelle, Andrea

F - Favourite song at the moment: Pretty Girl (The Way) - Sugarcult and Holiday - Green Day

G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: Gummy worms..its sick but you can suck on them ;)

H - Hometown: Schenectady, NY

I - Instruments: Voice, used to play the flute

K - Kids: none

L - Longest car ride ever: hmmm...i cant recall

M - Mom's name: Mary

N - Number of siblings: none

P - Phobia[s]: knives

Q - Favourite Quote: "But dont download, go out and buy the record" - Will SMith (Switch) cant help it it makes me laugh every time

R - Reasons to smile: My family, friends

S - Song you sang last: "Since U Been Gone"

T - Time you wake up: Usually 7:00 on week days

U - Unknown fact about me: I used to dream I was being killed all the time

V - Vegetable you hate: spiniach

W - Worst habit: Caring too much

X - X-rays you've had: dont think any besides teeth

Y - Yummy food: anything pasta

Z - Zodiac sign: Pisces
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[July 27th, 5:07pm]
List three random facts about yourself that your friends might not know (good or bad) and then tag five other friends to do it.




1.) I have a serious addiction to chocolate
2.) My first "starring" role was as Goldilocks in my kindergarden class play
3.) I cannot stand butter or maynaise

so I only did 3
TAG!
[info]mocksie
[info]arathean
[info]smrfyinsanebitc
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[July 26th, 10:07am]
So.

Like I said

went to the ballet last tuesday with my mom to see Swan Lake. Little did we know, it was a condensed one act version all about the forbidden love between Odette and the Prince. Gorgeous dancing all around, at one point, 30 girls as the black swans were on the stage. Amazing. We also saw two other ballets that night. One called After the Rain was a new piece that debuted in January. Oh. My. God. it was amazing. the music was gorgeous and i'm now obsessed with it and play it over and over again. The dance was superb, three couples dancing together, then seperatly and so on...oh god it was amazing, i simply cannot describe how much I loved it. The last dance was called Agon..and it was older, but I didnt like it as much. Dancing was great but it was just..not as good as After The Rain.

I loved it so much that I got Andrea and Michelle to go with again on Friday. We saw Harlequenaide first which was soooo good. The first act was really funny, a lot of antics and so on...there were these drunken soldiers...hahahahha amazing. Second act was a little more of the story then mostly showcasing the dancers..there were thse kids who were so cute and so good i was amazed. The second dance of the night was called An American in Paris...WE LOVED IT it was set to a Gershwin score...and i swear to god...I cant describe it..there was great use of skrims and and...ughh so good

So now I cant wait til they come back next year!

This whole week, NYSUT is on shutdown or common vacation for those of you who dont know the lingo. I'm so happy with that! Yesterday, me, my moms friend and amanda went to Lake Luzurne to go on this lazy river tubing thing. Not so lazy. There was a lot of paddling to stay off the shallow parts..my arms dont hurt too badly but my abs of all things are killing me. It was a good time though..and one of the guides *SWOON* gorgeous.

thats all for now folks
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[July 23rd, 11:07pm]
I got new glasses...


they are awesome...

...they are a dark tortishell with purple on the inside

..they are Kate Spade

be jealous
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